So, you think you have met “the one” and want to spend the rest of your life with them? Take a step back before planning a wedding as marriage is hard work. 

Marriage is a never ending process of blending two different minds into one. It forces you to change, adapt and tolerate certain things. But, it is also very rewarding when you can get through all the challenges that life throws at you as a couple. 

In the first episode of Selalu SIGAP, our host Anastasia Pradhita asks Anna Surti Ariani, known as Nina, Chairwoman of the Indonesian Clinical Psychologists Association Jakarta, and Widodo Suhartoyo, Senior Technical and Liaison Advisor Early Childhood Education and Development (ECED) at Tanoto Foundation, the things any couple should think about before getting married. 

This episode covers:
a. The right age to get married
b. Three aspects to prepare before getting married
c. The importance of conflict management in a relationship

In the past year, we saw more young Indonesians getting married. The Directorate General of Religious Court recorded that there were 34,000 applications for the exemption of marriage age (under 19 year old) between January to June 2020, from a total of 23,700 cases in 2019. 

The National Population and Family Planning Board (BKKBN) itself recommends 21 as the minimum age for women and 25 for men to get married. 

But irrespective of age, our panel listed three main things to consider before getting married.

Emotional Maturity

Marriage is complex, hence it requires emotional maturity or the ability to manage emotions. 

“If you frequently feel stressed out or emotional, don’t get married,” said Nina. 

There are many things that can trigger conflicts in marriage, varying from big issues, such as different values or parenting styles, to small problems, such as household chores. Therefore, those who plan to get married need to be aware that they are two different individuals. 

If they are not aware of the differences and cannot manage their emotions well, then it will lead to frequent arguments. 

“It’s really tiring to be in a marriage that continuously has conflicts,” Nina said. 

One of the ways to have emotional maturity is by accepting our partner the way they are. 

“Couples need to be able to adapt, tolerate and comprise,” said Widodo. 

Widodo suggested couples make a social “contract” before getting married, defining their shared responsibilities to solve the differences that might come in the future. 

Social Maturity 

“There are three magic words that most of us find it difficult to say, ‘sorry, please and thank you’,” said Widodo. 

But these magic words are part of our social maturity and enable us to function properly as adults. 

Social maturity provides us the ability to form a good relationship with our partner and others, and influences every aspect of our lives. 

By having social maturity, it can help us to see our partner more accurately.

“Once again, we need to be aware that they are different from us, there must be a reason behind their behaviors,” said Widodo.

With regard to our social relationship, Nina said that a good relationship with others will also bring benefits as it creates a good support system, which may help you solve conflicts within your marriage. Social maturity also helps us to define when to and not to share our conflicts to our support system.

Life Skills

If you don’t know how to wash the dishes or cook, then you are not ready for marriage.

Life skills are basically simple tasks that can be performed by anyone, regardless of their gender. Widodo said most arguments in the marriage are triggered by household chores like these, hence one needs to master these life skills before tying the knot. 

“If they don’t prepare it properly, these small issues can cause problems or even divorce,” he said. 

In addition to the three aspects above, both speakers stressed the importance of communication in marriage as it is the key to solve issues and understand their partner.

“It goes without saying that good communication is important in marriage,” said Widodo. 

Couples can try to enhance their communication skills while they are dating by communicating and solving issues together. 

“Frequent arguments while dating are not red flags. If they can manage the conflicts properly, it can help to build a healthy marriage,” said Nina. 

But most importantly, before saying “I do”, couples have to set marriage goals together. “They should think that they get married to form a quality family, not to get divorced,” said Widodo. 

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Selalu SIGAP is a casual talk show that discusses Early Childhood Education and Development (ECED) in Indonesia. The program is hosted by Tanoto Foundation, an independent family philanthropy organisation founded by Sukanto Tanoto and Tinah Bingei Tanoto in 1981.

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Pojok PINTAR is a casual talk show that discusses various topics related to the development of Basic Education in Indonesia. The program is hosted by Tanoto Foundation, an independent family philanthropy organisation founded by Sukanto Tanoto and Tinah Bingei Tanoto in 1981.

All parents want the best for their children. Often this involves trying to develop their intelligence, whether that means playing classical music to them in the womb or reading stories to them once they’re born.

But, do these methods really work? What do parents need to do to help their children develop? 

In the third episode of Pojok PINTAR our host Jerry Arvino asks these burning questions to Chyntia Poedjokerto, Special Education Specialist from Wellness Institute, and Murni Leo, Education Specialist from Tanoto Foundation. 

This episode discusses: 

a. What is intelligence in children?
b. How to create an environment that supports children’s intellectual development?
c. How to maintain a balance between children’s IQ and EQ?

Understanding Intelligence in Children

Simply put, intelligence is the ability to absorb information and apply that knowledge in everyday life. Intelligence in children allows them to learn quickly and provides them with curiosity about the world around them. 

Parents do not need to worry about their children intelligence as Chyntia said that every child is born intelligent, meaning that each child was born with the natural ability to learn and explore their surroundings. 

What parents need to do is to support their children’s intellectual development. Here are some of the ways to do that.

Establish Good Communication with Children

Parents need to establish a good communication pattern with children as it would help to form a good relationship in a family. Besides communicating well with children, parents should also establish certain rules and routines to make their children feel safe in their environment. 

Chyntia said that a structured environment at home will help children to feel safe, giving them the confidence to explore their surroundings and develop their intelligence. 

Embrace each child’s uniqueness  

Each child is unique, and we can’t treat them all the same way. Imagine we tested monkeys, elephants, fish and birds in the same way? Suppose they all are tested to fly – birds will win every time, but it neglects all the animals’ other skills. The same thing goes for children: each child is different. Therefore, parents should avoid limiting their children by putting them in boxes. 

Chyntia shared that many parents assume those who excel in maths will be successful in life, but sometimes the opposite is true. Each child has his or her intellectual capacity. 

Murni also agreed with Chyntia, saying that many parents believed they need to excel in a particular subject to help their children learn. “The role of parents here is to motivate their children,” said Murni. 

That being said, the speakers stressed that it is important for parents to embrace children’s uniqueness and find the most suitable approach to help each child realise their full capacity. 

Balancing IQ and EQ

As well as IQ, the speakers also discussed the importance of Emotional Intelligence, or EQ.

IQ and EQ are inseparable. “IQ helps someone to get a job, but EQ helps them to keep the job,” explained Chyntia. Therefore, it is parents’ job to help children in balancing IQ and EQ.   

One of the ways to balance children’s IQ and EQ is by involving them in a discussion. Parents can share the struggles they face as a family and invite children to solve the issues together. This method can help children to hone their critical thinking as well as emotional regulation.

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Are you dreaming of success? Unfortunately the road to get there may be longer and bumpier than you imagine.

Even the luckiest among us face obstacles, but the difference between those who let these setbacks prevent them from achieving their goals and those who use them as lessons to do better in future comes down to some simple skills.

So what are the skills required to be successful in life? And what can you do to hone them? Keep on reading.

Self-Discipline

Whether you’re looking for a great career or a healthier lifestyle, self-discipline is the answer.

According to the Oxford English Dictionary, self-discipline is the ability to control one’s feelings and overcome one’s weaknesses. 

A study conducted in 2013 by Wilhelm Hoffman and a team of researchers at the University of Chicago discovered that people who had self-discipline were more likely to deal with challenges. 

According to the research, those who have self-discipline were able to make rational choices without feeling stressed. Moreover, this soft skill is also said to help people avoiding impulse decisions, preventing them from making a decision they would regret. 

To develop self-discipline, you can start by choosing the most feasible goals and focusing on them. When you face obstacles, try to remove all the temptations to surrender and embrace the difficult journey. If you keep repeating this process, then we’re certain that you have mastered the art of self-discipline.

Leadership mindset

You may not feel like being a leader, but you still need a leadership mindset to achieve your goals. 

As we have mentioned earlier, life is full of uncertainties. When things get tough, you need the mindset of a leader to stay positive and proactive. 

According to Harvard Business Review, mindsets are leaders’ mental lenses that dictate what information they take in and use to make sense of and navigate the situations they encounter. 

A leadership mindset guides you to focus on what is important, to take action, and stand up when facing challenges. 

Here comes the next question: What can we do to cultivate a leadership mindset? 

First and foremost, you need to have a sense of responsibility. You need to take responsibility of your thoughts and actions as it is going to affect others. 

Then, try to be more open minded. As life is a continuous learning process, allow yourself to grow by learning from past mistakes. By doing these efforts, you will have the mental lenses to navigate any situation.

Self-discipline and leadership mindset are among the traits Tanoto Foundation, an independent family philanthropy organisation founded by Sukanto Tanoto and Tinah Bingei Tanoto in 1981, aims to nurture in future leaders through its TELADAN program. So which trait do you want to improve today? 

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